Overprotective parenting styles
Overprotective parenting styles often occur with anxious, first-time parents who are nervous about their child taking any risks.
Examples include sending their child to bed earlier than most of his peers, rescuing their child from minor squabbles, dressing their child and tying their shoes, dissuading him from trying out for the football team because he is "thin-boned", discouraging him from asking a girl to the dance because he cried when a girl rejected him last time, dissauding him from attending college away from home, etc.
All your child knows is that he is treated differently and his friends call him "baby."
Essentially, the message found in overprotective parenting styles says "You're just not strong enough to handle this." I understand that parents do this unintentionally, but they must nonetheless be aware of the unspoken messages they are relaying to their children.
By all means protect your child, but not at the expense of their autonomy. Allow your child to grow and learn by taking risks and making their own mistakes.
Permissive Parenting Styles
Permissive parenting styles are most often caused by not setting clear boundaries. The reasons may vary: Perhaps some parents want to overcompensate for their own negative childhood and are less willing to risk looking like the "bad guy." Perhaps parents feel guilty that they work all the time and want whatever time they can spend with their child to be free from conflict and therefore let their child get away with more than other children.
Some parents simply want to be their child's best friend, and forget that they are parents that need to set limits.
The result of permissive parenting styles is that there is a difference between constructive and destructive freedom. Constructive freedom allows children to be creative and autonomous with the knowledge that their parents are guiding the journey. Destructive freedom removes much of the safety net while the child takes risks which can result in children getting hurt because no one was there to set limits.
For example, self-expression in children is to be encouraged, but talking back to their teacher is not.
To these parents I emphasize that not setting guidelines hurts rather than helps their children. Also, it gives their children an insecure feeling that they are running the show instead of their parents.
A child feels most secure when they feel that their parents are present and protecting them, and that includes setting healthy boundaries.
Critical Parenting Styles
As a therapist, I often help heal the damage caused by critical parenting styles and do my best to discourage this behavior in parents.
Parents frequently tell me that they think their children have it too easy and need to be pushed hard to help prepare them for adulthood, and require a good swift kick in the butt when they slack off.
Of course helping your child to prepare for the demands of adulthood is important, but constantly sending the cynical message that life is hard tarnishes your relationship and delivering that message in a harsh manner confuses the child and makes them wonder whether their value and your love are conditional upon performance. (Do not forget to mention that life is also meant to be enjoyed! It is important to give your child something to look forward to!)
While you want your son or daughter to live up to their potential, you do not want them to develop ulcers if they return home with an "F" on a 4th grade spelling quiz, fearing that you may hit or disown them. They need to know that you want them to do their best, but your love is unconditional and you will be there for them win or lose.
It is important that you teach that distinction now, for if you do not, they may later internalize the formula of inner worth being predicated upon outer performance and forever have an overcritical monkey on their backs.
This frequently leads to clinical depression because for the rest of their lives they will attempt to prove themselves through a better job, a higher salary, sporting achievements, or whatever they consider to be a "success" in their parents eyes.
This downward spiral can all be avoided by being reasonable and accepting that failing a test is not the end of the world. They already feel shame for failing, so don't make it worse.
Rather, share your child's disappointment, but reassure them of your love by encouraging them to try harder next time. By doing this you help them bolster their resilience.
Over time, they will begin to sense that their value comes from within and is not conditional on performance or achievements. They will understand that a loss today does not a loser make. As a result, their innate abilities will help them rise to the occasion next time and will yield a different result.
So, prepare your child for life, but do so with love and understanding, not harshness and cynicism.
Dr. Emily Kensington is a marriage and family counselor. Her website is [http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com]
